Say It Once
Phillip Harrington Aug 2025
I’ve adopted a new policy I’m calling "Say It Once".
Here’s the deal: If I have a complaint, correction, frustration, or concern, I’ll say it once. Out loud, clearly, and ideally soon after the thing happens. And then, I’m done. I’ve said my peace. I will not bring it up again.
This isn’t about bottling things up. It’s about being intentional. About refusing to live in reruns. It’s also about freeing the people I care about from feeling like every conversation is a remix of every past frustration. Because honestly, nobody likes being around someone who’s constantly beating the same dead horse.
Why I need this
My particular brand of mental health likes to pull everything into the present. Every disagreement becomes just like that time two years ago. Every unmet need becomes the latest in a long string. My brain loves patterns. Especially the painful ones.
And once that starts, it’s hard to stop. I get stuck in loops. Repeating myself, relitigating the past, reinforcing the feeling that this moment is part of some inescapable cycle.
So I’m breaking the cycle.
Once I say it, I let it go.
I’ve said my peace. I don’t need to say it again.
And here’s the real gift of that: I get to forget it.
Not in a dissociative or avoidant way. Just... I’ve handled it. I’ve said the thing. I’m no longer carrying it. It’s no longer running in the background, demanding airtime.
What counts as "saying it"
“Saying it” doesn’t always mean saying it out loud. Sometimes I write a long email I never send, or a text I delete before hitting send. That still counts. If I’ve gotten it out of my head and into words, even if nobody else reads them, I’ve said it.
I’ve also decided to make this retroactive. If I’ve brought something up before, last month, last year, even in a rage-draft of a note I never finished... that counts. It’s grandfathered in. No more bringing it up. It’s done.
The grace periods
I know myself. Sometimes I can’t articulate what’s bothering me right away. I need time to simmer. So I’ve built two grace periods into this system:
- First, I have up to three hours to say the thing in the first place. That’s my window for figuring out what I want to express. I sometimes need to let it marinate, to think through a situation and get to the ruxt of it. So what I say is focused and clear.
- Second, I allow myself about an hour after that to add any follow-up, clarification, or extra sentence. But that add-on has to fight hard to get in. I have to really feel like it's necessary.
Then it’s over. That’s the end of it. No follow-up rants. No looping back next week. I’ve said my peace. And now I let it go.
My new slogan
Some people say, “If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times.”
I’m going with: “If I’ve said it once, I'll shut the fuck up.”
Also bringing back the old standby “Stop me if you’ve heard this one...” Except now, I really mean it. Please do stop me. I don’t want to be that guy.
Who this is for
Yes, this is for me. For my peace of mind. For my presence. To break the pattern of rehashing everything and actually live in the moment I’m in.
But it’s also for the people I care about.
Because hearing the same complaint, again and again, with slightly different packaging, doesn’t build trust. It erodes it. It makes people feel like nothing is ever enough. Like they’re trapped in your unresolved story.
I don’t want to do that to the people I love.
So this is my way of saying: I respect you enough to let things go, once I’ve said them. And I respect myself enough to stop rehearsing pain.
The exceptions
Two important exceptions:
Kids, first. You don’t get to say something once to a child and expect perfect recall. But even there, I’m trying to treat the first time as the real conversation. After that, I’ll say things like, “Hey! Remember when we talked about this?” That keeps it grounded in the original moment, instead of reopening a fresh wound every time.
Work, second. Sometimes, you really do have to repeat yourself, especially when you’re advocating for a fix, a policy, or a decision that affects others. But even then, I’m trying to follow the same rhythm: make the case clearly once, then refer back. “As we discussed...” “Just following up...” “Per our last conversation...” That kind of thing.
Of course, every job has those hills you’re willing to fight and die on. But they stand out because I don’t fight every battle that way.
Final thought
This isn’t about being “over it.”
It’s about being through it.
It’s about clarity, presence, and a little bit of mercy—for myself and the people I share my life with.
So that’s where I am.
Say it once.
Say it well.
Say your peace.
And move the hell on.